The woman I AM vs. the woman GOD CREATED me to be

I have been doing some soul searching lately. I don't know about you, but periodically I feel the need to question who I am and what I am doing. Perhaps that is because I have this niggling from God that I have gotten off track, or because life is not running smoothly and I want to be able to do things better.

My life is very FULL right now. I have many things that tug at my attention and my time (and I am not just refering to my five kids ;-). I have many duties as a wife, mother, full-time teacher to my children and manager of my home. Beyond this, I have many duties as an apartment manager. Then there are the other things that I am passionate about. These are the things in the creative realm like my digital design work and photography. All of these are both literally and figuratively pulling at me constantly.

I was saddened to realize that from a financial standpoint, the work I am passionate about (the creative stuff) has very little value and the work that I consider a pure burden (apartment management) can gain me the most income. Of course, raising my children actually costs me. And although there ARE those days I consider it a burden, for the most part it is my first calling and my joy right now.

This realization hit me as I did my taxes this year. It was SO SAD to see how little the creative stuff earns me. Part of me says I should just give it up entirely and not waste my time, but part of me just can't. I am driven to create. It is part of my inmost being and I believe this is a God-given desire and therefore, He has a reason and a purpose for it. But, I need to focus more of my energies on the apartments. [sigh] I have gone along too long just doing the barest minimums in that area. I am crying out to God like a little child throwing a tantrum, "But I don't WANT to do that!" I know God must be trying to grow me.

Hence the title of the blog, "The woman I AM vs. the woman GOD CREATED me to be." I am trying to get some clarity of vision as to who this other woman is. I think that if I could actually visualize her, I could make better choices to become her. Does that make sense? I am trying to not look at what I want for myself but what God desires for me and from me. It is about giving up a certain amount of selfishness. I certainly have some work to do in this area.

Hells Best Kept Secret

Momma's Guide to Quiet Times in Loud Households

Sounds like the perfect book for me!

Clarity

I chose clarity as my word of the year or at least for a season. (See this post). So, I am tying to do a in depth word study of it. I have discovered after searching many versions, that clarity is not a word found in the bible, but I did find it here:

Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
1 Corinthians 13:12 (NLT)

Exodus 24:10 and they saw the God of Israel. And there was under His feet as it were a paved work of sapphire stone, and it was like the very heavens in its clarity. (New King James)

Acts 22:11And when I saw not, for the clarity of that light, I was led by the hand of fellows, and I came to Damascus. (WYC) (Paul after Jesus came to him in a blinding light)

Revelation 21:11having the clarity of God; and the light of it like [to] a precious stone, as the stone jasper, [and] as crystal. (WYC)

Revelation 21:23And the city hath no need of the sun, neither [of] moon, that they shine in it; for the clarity of God shall lighten it; and the lamb is the lantern of it. (WYC)

CLARITY defined:
clar·i·ty /ˈklærɪti/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[klar-i-tee]
–noun
1.
clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.
2.
the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye; pellucidity: the clarity of pure water.