I have been doing some soul searching lately. I don't know about you, but periodically I feel the need to question who I am and what I am doing. Perhaps that is because I have this niggling from God that I have gotten off track, or because life is not running smoothly and I want to be able to do things better.
My life is very FULL right now. I have many things that tug at my attention and my time (and I am not just refering to my five kids ;-). I have many duties as a wife, mother, full-time teacher to my children and manager of my home. Beyond this, I have many duties as an apartment manager. Then there are the other things that I am passionate about. These are the things in the creative realm like my digital design work and photography. All of these are both literally and figuratively pulling at me constantly.
I was saddened to realize that from a financial standpoint, the work I am passionate about (the creative stuff) has very little value and the work that I consider a pure burden (apartment management) can gain me the most income. Of course, raising my children actually costs me. And although there ARE those days I consider it a burden, for the most part it is my first calling and my joy right now.
This realization hit me as I did my taxes this year. It was SO SAD to see how little the creative stuff earns me. Part of me says I should just give it up entirely and not waste my time, but part of me just can't. I am driven to create. It is part of my inmost being and I believe this is a God-given desire and therefore, He has a reason and a purpose for it. But, I need to focus more of my energies on the apartments. [sigh] I have gone along too long just doing the barest minimums in that area. I am crying out to God like a little child throwing a tantrum, "But I don't WANT to do that!" I know God must be trying to grow me.
Hence the title of the blog, "The woman I AM vs. the woman GOD CREATED me to be." I am trying to get some clarity of vision as to who this other woman is. I think that if I could actually visualize her, I could make better choices to become her. Does that make sense? I am trying to not look at what I want for myself but what God desires for me and from me. It is about giving up a certain amount of selfishness. I certainly have some work to do in this area.
